Hater Blockers
by Maddasahatter
Summary: Matt is slightly...under the influence when he heads out to take on Takada. Do these look like the eyes of a sober man to you...? Matt crack, at it's finest.


Just a little Matt related crack, collaborated between Inuyasha4eva and I. Read at your own risk.

* * *

"Matt. Matt! Are you paying attention...?" Mello asked irritably, his patience wearing thin with the red head, who was staring into space as Mello attempted, for the third time, to speak with him.

Matt blinked ,turning to Mello with a blank expression, having yet to put his goggles on. AKA, his Hater Blockers.

"Uh...kind of?"

"Ok. This is _serious shit, _Matt. I'd appreciate it if you could pull your head out of your ass for at least five seconds"

"Mello. Everyone knows its impossible to stick your head up your ass" Matt said, his tone light and airy.

"You're lucky you're my friend..." Mello said, his eyes narrowing slightly.

"Aww, thanks, buddy!" Matt replied, enthusiastically throwing his arms around Mello.

Mello hastily shoved Matt off, wrinkling his nose in disgust.

"Ugh. You smell like weed, Matt. I thought I asked you not to smoke"

"Hey, I didn't smoke!" Matt objected quickly. "They were brownies..."

"Whatever, it all amounts to the same thing....Now, you heard the plan, right?"

"I shoot the gun"

"_Who_ do you shoot the gun at...?"

"The people you told me to shoot."

"And they would be...?"

"The Kira cluster fuck"

"Close enough. Ok, and after you shoot the gun...?"

"Smoke comes out!" Matt said enthusiastically. "Dude, I remember this one time I pulled this awesome prank. Have you ever seen a toilette explode in a cloud of purple smoke?"

"Why, yes, Matt. Yes I have."

"Really?" Matt asked, his eyes widening considerably.

"Really. Because I was there. When the fire alarm went off and everything."

"Oh, yeah! Dude, do you remember how pissed off our neighbors were...?"

"I don't think anyone will forget that, Matt"

"Haha, yeah, it was pretty awesome..." Matt said, finally pulling his goggles on.

"Sure. Ok, so we have down the shooting part....What about the driving part?"

"I drive fast"

"Yes. And don't stop, Matt. Whatever you do...DON'T STOP THE FUCKING CAR"

"Heigh ho, heigh ho, I hear you loud and clear, Mello. I have to get up before I go, go..."

Mello quirked an eyebrow at the retort, still feeling quite uncomfortable with Matt's mental state. His hand lingered on the door handle, debating on whether or not to leave.

"Hey, wait. I have one question left..." Matt suddenly piped up.

"What is it?"

"Can I bring Philip? He might get lonely.." Matt said, his hand running across the front of his fur jacket.

"...You know, I regret ever fucking with you about that jacket. You _do _realize its not really a dog, don't you?"

"...Don't say that about him. You'll hurt his feelings"

"Whatever. I'm out of time. Bring Philip if you want to, I really don't care at this point"

With that, Mello walked out the door, Matt muttering something about Mello being ridiculous as the blond disappeared from view.

* * *

Several minutes later, Matt was sitting alone in his car, watching the clock with a bored expression. Why was he here, again?

"This is so boring, Philip...I can't believe he's making us do his bitch work. Ha. No pun intended..."

Matt returned to affectionately stroking his jacket, pausing when something caught his eye. A bright blue book sat on top of the dash board, begging to be touched.

Matt snatched the book up, examining the cover. Emblazoned in gold, across the front was the title "Good, Clean Jokes"

"Huh...I suppose I could use some cleanliness in my life. Considering how dirty I've been"

With a whimsical sort of giggle, Matt flipped through the book, stopping on an illustration of two eyeballs talking to each other.

"Hey, Frank...something smells between us"

It took Matt approximately fifteen seconds to process the joke, but as soon as he did, he exploded in riotous laughter, his hand smacking the dash board.

The sounds of an alarm suddenly broke through his impaired mind, and he looked down at a tiny alarm clock in his drink holder.

"Shit, Philip. You should have told me it was time to get going..."

Matt gunned the car's engine to life, slamming on the accelerator and receiving several angry honks as he cut off an old woman.

"Sorry, lady, don't get your panties in a wad.." He mumbled, blinking and trying to bring the road in front of him into focus. His location wasn't far from where he was parked, and as the crowd of Kira fanatics came into view, he fumbled inside his jacket pocket for the smoke gun.

"Right-o, lets shoot these bitches..."

Matt hurriedly rolled down his car window, whipping out the gun with one hand and aiming at the crowd. For several panicked seconds, he struggled to remember how to use the fire arm, and more than one of Takada's bodyguards gave him a quizzical look before he successfully pulled the trigger.

Smoke exploded from the end, earning an excited "Fuck, yeah!" from Matt as he sped off along the road.

_Mission accomplished..._

Or, at least, it would have been, if Takada's bodyguards hadn't managed to copy down Matt's license plate number while he fumbled with his gun. The redhead was unaware of his predicament, however, and instead was jamming out to whatever happened to be playing on the radio.

"_**Somebody CALL 911! SHAWTY'S FIRE BURNING ON THE DANCE FLOOR! Whoaaaa!"**_

Matt sloppily sung along with the lyrics, the words running together and not really making much sense at all. He belted out the chorus with as much gusto as someone in his frame of mind could, until a sudden urge made him stop, his face temporarily freezing up.

_'Shit...I really have to pee...'_

Mello's words from earlier ran through his head, the blond's eyes managing to pierce Matt, even in his memory.

" _Whatever you do...DON'T STOP THE FUCKING CAR"_

Matt scowled. "What am I supposed to do, Mello? Piss my pants?"

As appealing as the notion sounded, Matt managed to spot an empty beer bottle resting in the passenger seat. Perhaps there was a solution, after all.

Matt reached over, snatching up the bottle. He looked around, noticing a black car in his rear view mirror. It wasn't too close. Surely they wouldn't see anything...

Deciding it was now or never, Matt briefly took his hand off the wheel, adjusting his pants and placing the bottle in between his legs. He let out a sigh of relief after a moment, rolling down the window again with his free hand.

"Take this with you to the grave, Philip." Matt whispered, chucking the bottle with full force out the window. Unfortunately, the black car that had been on his tail had managed to gain speed, and when Matt threw the bottle, it hit the side of the other vehicle.

"Oh, damn!" Matt cried, realizing that the person he had just hit was one of Takada's bodyguards. Matt punched on the gas, shooting forward. He adjusted his pants as he drove, looking ahead to see exactly where he was. He was headed towards a major intersection, and, to the redhead's utter dismay, he realized that awaiting him was a circle of black cars resembling the one he had just assaulted with a bottle of piss.

Matt, unsure of what to do in the situation, pulled a cigarette out of his pocket. A reassuring smiley face that he had drawn on it's surface earlier gazed up at him, and he felt slightly guilty as he lit the end. After shoving the cigarette in between his lips, he slammed on the brakes of his car, the vehicle swerving on the spot, leaving him trapped as his tail pulled up, filling in the circle.

"_Shit...how many bodyguards does one woman need, anyway?" _Matt thought, sobering up quite a bit as several intimidating looking men in suits stepped out of their vehicles, their eyes all trained on him.

Mello was going to be pissed. Matt knew he should have been paying more attention, but how in the world could anyone have expected..._this?_

Matt stepped out of the car, his hands in the air. He spoke immediately, babbling something he thought might make the bodyguards hesitate. No emotion flickered over the faces of the men that surrounded him, and Matt was glad he had the Hater Blockers. Matt didn't want anyone to see fear in his eye's, and the sloppy smile that graced his features spoke nothing of the panic in his chest.

A hail of bullet's ripped through the air, and Matt felt his body jerk from left to right. He took a staggering step backwards, falling against his car. His body slid downwards, the smiley faced cigarette falling from between his lips.

_'Shit, Philip. Looks like this is the end...at least you're here with me, though. Dying alongside me like a good dog should...'_

Matt's eyes, which felt as heavy as his body, closed shut for a final time. The last thought's to pass through the red head's mind were about what heaven would be like. Would there be toilets? Purple fog... ?

Ah. Matt would give one last laugh if he could.

* * *

Mello's eyes gazed at the miniature screen in front of him, a somber expression on his face as various emotions tore at him with the knowledge of Matt's death.

"I'm so sorry... Matt..."

_'You...fucking pot head.'_

**Review**, please? =D Oh, and check out Inuyasha4eva, since she helped me along the way with her amazing talent!

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